In this life, we may occasionally find ourselves in a position that is wanting. Certain qualities that we believe, or have been led to believe are necessary to ultimate happiness and success. Maybe it is money or power. Maybe its fear-based respect, competency-based respect, benefits, location, proximity to adequate coffee, whatever. In the instance we discover a lacking of something we perceive as important for a ‘good job’ we almost simultaneously feel the need to move on. A change in the wind, if you will.
However you come about the desire to quit, however you come about the means to financially support yourself post-resigning, there is a moment of quiet reflection on how you should really go about it.
The following three modes of resignation are outlined below.
The: ‘I may need this reference/position again in a month’ quit
Otherwise known as, the respectful resign. This quit is only really ever done if you are remaining in the same industry, or you have a few reservations about moving into the new job.
How to do it.
- Apologise profusely.
- Make it clear you are only doing it because you are offered something greater than what you are currently receiving. Hard facts are your only option here. More benefits, better pay, closer to home, etc.
- Buy your own ‘going away’ cake and make sure its chocolate so that everyone likes it, and remembers you fondly.
Note: you will still be forgotten in a month.
The ‘Fuck this shit. I’m out’ quit
Otherwise known as, the breaking point. Maybe this has been a long time coming. Maybe it’s out of the blue. But some idiot has taken it too far and you need to get out, get anywhere, get all the way to the NYC. Immediately.
How to do it:
- Walk into upper management office with current work pile. If your work is computer based – print off a few emails and spreadsheets for effect. This will substitute as a symbolic ‘work pile’.
- Set fire to paperwork and throw on desk, into the air, or hand to a passer-by.
- Walk out backwards giving him/her/them the finger. You will get a better effect if you can do this with both hands.
Note: falling or stumbling will ruin the entire show so if you are inherently clumsy, a strongly worded email will suffice.
The ‘I don’t like confrontation’ quit
You don’t want to work there anymore and you don’t want to talk about it. But they have your contact details so when you don’t show up to work on Monday they could call or get the police to stop by your house to make sure you haven’t had your face eaten off by the neighbour cats.
How to do it:
- Best done over the phone, email, or by telling your buddy at the office to pass along a pink or lime green post-it note to the boss when he/she is on lunch break or has gone home for the day.
- Create a ridiculous reason for leaving: you want to join the circus, you must eat-love-pray in India (or wherever), or you have been informed by your doctor that you are allergic to answering phones. This way your boss will think he/she is well rid of you because you’re clearly crazy.
Note: Make sure you don’t have anything you want to keep at your desk because craziness cannot be premeditated.
it's only three 