How to survive a breakup in 2016

If there is one thing I have learned in the first few weeks of singledom, it is that the standard ‘how to survive a breakup’ tips and tricks, just don’t fucking cut it anymore. You just cannot escape like the people in the 60’s who probably wrote the book on breakups. The world is shrinking and as a result, everything and everyone is a little bit closer. Like you, reader. I have likely never met you and look at me sitting on your lap or in your hand. Travel is easy, communication is immediate, and alcohol is expensive.

Short of sitting in your room facing the corner and slowly starving to death, you really can’t avoid the world until the end of your days. So time to re-write the book, Pride and Prejudice with Zombies style. How to Survive a breakup with Zombies.

Toss your dignity out the window.

Let’s be honest, you probably lost it in the mish-mash of breakup fights, dropping the washing machine on your toe during moving out, or accidentally losing their set of house keys down an elevator shaft.  So while your fresh out of dignity go do all the things you need to. Cry, eat, cry, eat, cry. Do all the things that irritated them in one night. Comment on the economic damage in super hero films, rearrange the fridge so that the cheese and ham are in the same compartment, light the smelly candle they hate. Eat Krispy Kreme’s for dinner and KFC potato and gravy for dessert. Do it on your own if you can so you don’t have so far to climb when you decide it is time to regain a little.

Cut

Not your wrists, and not their brakes. Where possible, delete them off Facebook and Instagram, delete their mother, delete their friends, and delete their favourite TV show off your hard drive. Unless it was your favourite first. You aren’t going to be able to delete them out of your life but give yourself the best chance at not being unpleasantly surprised by hourly reminders of stupid thing they liked and being tagged on Facebook, out having the time of their lives probably. You can claim everything back when you have your shit together again.

Spend a lot of time with your friends.

Separately. Friends who want to talk about it, friends who want to drink, friends who want to go to Ikea. Then put them on a rotation so you don’t irritate them with your depression. Because let’s face it – it’s going to last longer than you would like and everyone has a sympathy expiry date.

Develop an Obsession.

Because when you go home and there is a long empty night with you and your thoughts, you’re going to have a bad time. So get obsessed with something that you can’t wait to get back to when you’re at work. Something that’s going to keep you up till 3am when you have work at 9. Great if it’s exercise, realistic if it is TV shows, bad if it’s hard drugs.

Locate tossed dignity from outside the window

And depending on how liberally you took the first tip, this one may take a while.  You get on with your life. Maybe you exercise, maybe you just get a fake tan so you look skinnier. Set some goals and actually start them. If it helps, you can start to spite your ex, though you will only reach them if you do it for yourself.

 

I’ll let you know if it works.