Tag Archives: Lists

6 Rebuttals of Insanity, OR, Why I am Not Going Crazy

When you work in an office, there are some things that people will say on a daily basis that sounds a little crazy.

How was your weekend?  I went to the – oh you’re not listening are you? Alright just tell me about yours.

Is that a new jacket? I wore this yesterday.

Ooooh pasta again? A moment on the lips forever on the hips.  Shut up Karen, go ‘enjoy’ your salad.

Then there’s what I call: The 3:30 snide remark. For me that remark is “Are you talking to yourself again?” <Insert some cliché about going crazy>. And maybe I am. Every time I walk into the office I feel like its groundhog day. That’s the one where he gets caught in a time loop right? Repeating the exact same day over and over. And no one else but you seems to be aware of it. My response is usually: “Ha ha ha, I am!”  (muttering quietly) “I’ll kill you one day.” I don’t know why most people insist on getting their medical knowledge of psychopathic’s from 1950’s stereotypes.  So maybe I do odd things at 3:30pm. Maybe there’s a reason. Maybe…there are 6 reasons.

1.Talking to yourself is the first sign you’re going crazy

Rebuttal: Talking to yourself is the first sign that you need an expert opinion but are surrounded by idiots people whom are not experts.

  1. Hearing Things

Rebuttal: Different from hearing voices because sometimes you hear people calling your name, or the phone ringing, or someone saying: “is that a new jacket”. Guess what it’s called an echo. A mental echo.

Side note: a mental echo is something I definitely made up, I have no actual knowledge of psychology.

  1. Staring into middle space

You know how in movies people pick up photographs of their family and descend into flashbacks? That doesn’t happen in real life. In real life if we want to think deeply about something, we don’t have to stare at anything and we can think. And do you know how hard it is to stare at nothing? It’s literally the space in between you and the thing that is away from you. It actually a talent so maybe you should be encouraging it.

  1. Deja Vu

You know what. I’m not telling you I’m experiencing Déjà vu because I am experiencing Déjà vu. I’m experiencing the same story or bullshit assignment that I received yesterday or last week, or sometime between the time we met and now. I am being passive aggressive. I’m holding back from aggressive aggressive.

  1. You can’t remember where you left things

I’m sorry, is it tied to my wrist!? Then chances are I can’t be 100% sure where it is. But I have a mental list of the top three places it will be. How about you go find your own stapler. Or the one you probably stole from my top drawer, or the shelf near the kettle, or the filing cabinet where I just was.

  1. Temporarily forgetting your name

*ring ring*

*pick up*

“Welcome to Worky-work-work, this is… Um. This is. Just give me a sec.” It happens to the best of us. And by the best of us – I mean me. God help me when 3:30pm comes around, I space. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know who I am. You should consider yourself lucky that I remembered what the ringing sound meant. I’m as good as a trained monkey at this point. Why don’t you just call back tomorrow at 10am when I’m coffee-refreshed, or maybe at 5:30pm when I’ll watch the phone ring for a bit, before leaving the office skipping gaily.

Also, while doing some research, my room mate, Angostura (code name obvs) pointed out this article to me. Good for a read.

Advertisements

Simply the Best Top Ten Tuesdays

While I most definitely have not been an active member of TTT or even WordPress for 5 years I have had a go, or rather, more than 10 goes at the phenomenon that is Top Ten Tuesday by the Broke and the Bookish.  While I’m not really a weekly contributor, if something catches my eye, and also coincides with me feeling like writing that day I will do up a post for it.

So I’ve written this week’s Top Ten Tuesday in excerpts from my favourite TTT’s. And only the excerpts with a high level of sass. Also these dates are in an Australian format. Only psychopaths go month-date-year…Jeez.

  1. Top Ten Literary Confessions (07.07.14)

Titled: My Literary Secrets. Or. Amy and the truth bomb that went off and hurt all the feelings

Excerpt: “Man do I dislike the beach. Sand gets in between the pages of my book, it’s like getting sand in my soul. Fuck off sand.”

  1. Top Ten Underrated Authors (09.09.14)

Titled: Keep it in your pants readers

Excerpt: “Patterson just slots new names into an old template and publishes these bad boys annually. Also… Alex Cross? Why don’t you just name him Jesus Christ and be done with it.”

  1. Top Ten Dislikes for Romance in Literature (10.02.15)

Titled: Romance is for saps. And other things I dislike about lit love.

Excerpt: “‘Creamy brown hair’? Now I feel like his hair is made of cream. I’m not attracted to this sensual-cream man. Is this a Cadbury ad?”

  1. Top Ten Characters I would want at my lunch table (02.09.14)

Titled: You can’t sit with us!

Excerpt: “Because I honestly feel like she would get along with everyone at the table. And you know what we don’t want at lunch time? ANARCHY!”

  1. Top Ten Books you recommend to first time readers (05.08.14)

Titled: I’ll make a reader of you yet

Excerpt: “But the only opinion I managed to get out of him was: “Ellie’s a bit of a slut.” Thanks Dad.”

  1. Top Ten Characters you would bring with you on a dessert island (22.07.14)

Titled: God forbid I get stuck on an island with book characters

Excerpt: “Does this man not ooze necessity? Still not convinced? How about you stare at this gif for the next hour until you are.

  1. Top Ten staple books from <insert genre here> that I haven’t read (02.07.15)

Titled: I’ll get to it when I get to it

Excerpt: “Besides the books look quite cute sitting next to each other on the bookshelf and if that isn’t a good enough reason, nothing is.”

  1. Top Ten Places books have made you want to visit (15.10.14)

Titled: Top Ten T-Oh fuck it’s Wednesday

Excerpt: “Nothing ruins a Tuesday feature post quite like realising it was yesterday.”

  1. Top Ten Character Driven Novels (07.10.14)

Titled: Characters behind the wheel

Excerpt: “Which sounds exactly like my sigh of annoyance when Bran’s chapter comes along. Seriously (SPOILER) is he learning to become a tree? You can imagine how great this isn’t.”

  1. Top Ten Books you aren’t sure you want to read (12.08.14)

Titled: I dunno you guys…

Excerpt: “Honestly no other author has sounded so much like a super-villain in the history of the world.”

In Sickness and in Sickness Only

So I have loved lists from the dawn of time. If I need to do anything, I will first have to write a list. Pro’s and con’s lists, things to read lists, grocery lists, goals lists, and best of all: blog lists. Largely to the embarrassment provided by the last list fiasco, I have deemed it reasonable, even necessary to write another one.

tumblr_inline_n5js9hsODb1qafrh6Tuesday’s excuse my largely due to a bad-ass sickness, maybe a plague, maybe a cold, no one really knows. Except me – defs a plague. This weekend, us Australian’s were granted a public holiday for Labour Day. Labour day is pretty much an anniversary of when we brought in an 8 hour working day, as opposed to the 12 hour charmers that Australians experienced prior. Unless you’re a bartender. 12 hours for you still – and no public holiday. Ha.

Anyhow. I was granted my first public holiday since the beginning of time and I promptly went a caught the plague.  That weekend, I saw nought but the ceiling of my lounge room, the ceiling of my bedroom, and let’s be honest, the inside of the fridge as well. Sickness or not, I shall be eating 3-6 meals a day.

But. I was well enough to go to work on Tuesday. For those of you wanting Amy’s Miracle Cure for the plague, see the following steps I took to get well in time for another week of work.

  1. Watch The Mindy Project

Mindy is essentially an Indian Bridget Jones. In the last two minutes (yes I’m watching as I write this, tumblr_nd3eb5LlsD1s8kjvlo1_500both of these things happened:

  • “Stop writing a suicide note” <rips> “Hey! I was contesting a jay walking ticket”.
  • “You said that six hours ago.” “Six hours ago is a lifetime for some bugs.”

Who thinks of these things? So much has been put into perspective. I’ve been looking at my life all wrong. I need to wear more sparkly tops, buy more expensive bath wash, and I need to clean my ceiling…

  1. Doughnut porn.

I came across this fabulous Tumblr page whilst searching for a picture for my last post and I accidentally spent an hour here. I don’t even like doughnuts that much. But we’re getting side-tracked. Dammit guys concentrate.

Realise tissues are way too soft and switch back to toilet paper, only to run out of toilet paper and have to use tissues for toilet paper.

Yeah, not your average complaint. But seriously, after living with tissues, branded: a la toilet paper, the amount of softness in your regular eucalyptus tissue is just ridiculous. I feel like I’m blowing my nose into flour. Not very clean.

Ate 3 different types of orange flavoured medicine.

How fucking disgusting is orange flavouring? Do they even know what orange tastes like? Do they make it ‘orange’ flavoured to make us think that it is healthier! When I am fully recovered and can voice the actual outrage I possess – I will probably be able to write it in capitals.

Quick flash back to Mindy Project

“Can we trade lines, because that lady just asked to buy my penis”, <scoff> “ha, she doesn’t have any money.”

I hope my Mother doesn’t read this, she will be furious at my absence of actual cures. Sorry Mum.

6 questions that someone must answer mighty fast.

I was having an Enrique Iglasias moment the other night. Hero was playing, I was sobbing into a pillow (not really) while he asked a million questions of me:

Would you dance, if I asked you to dance?                          Yes, even if you didn’t ask.

Would you run and never look back?                                     Best to look where you are running

Would you cry if you saw me crying?                                    Ah yes.

And would you save my soul, tonight?                                Can I just have your heart instead?

So many pop musicians have given their artistic abilities over to answer questions of their own. What you going do with all that junk? You know, all the junk you have inside of your trunk. I am going to get you drunk, off of my humps (Probs filled with tequila, am I right?). So after a solid night of research I have come up with the top 6 questions that have never been answered and attempted to answer them for you.

  1. Who wrote the book of love?tumblr_n980s72eqY1rks8zxo2_500

E. L. James.

2.Annie are you okay?

The title of the song is Smooth Criminal. I think it is safe to assume any dealings with criminals, smooth or otherwise, are going to leave someone not okay. Annie is not okay. MICHAEL! ANNIE IS NOT OKAY!

  1. Parlez Vous Francais?

Je ne parle pas français

4. Who the fuck is Alice?

A quick Google search provided the answer.

tumblr_nahw6j7UhW1t6lb6ao1_400

5. Why does it always rain on me?

Well Travis, it truly depends. It could be that you are always outside in London. It could be that you were never a boy scout and hence never learnt preparedness. It could be a hex or a curse, in which case I would suggest you try Finate Incantatem.

  1. Have you ever seen the rain?tumblr_nbyxrsHExV1r90377o1_500

So many questions about the rain. I thought the moon was the one meant to inspire poetry. So obvi we have all seen the rain. I assume you were on something chronic when this occurred to you to find some deep meaning in an obvious place. We have seen the rain, but have we seen the rain? The answer is still yes.

There are so many confusing things in the world that I have just learnt to accept. There is a website out there that just tells you if it is Christmas or not. Printer ink is more expensive than buying a printer. Ikea makes me feel proud for owning terribly cheap furniture because I put it together myself. I only seem to find inspiration in my direct surrounds. Crazy. So anyway, here are some pets interrupting yoga to send you on your way.

I dunno you guys…

Okay Smokey. So this week’s theme over at a la Broke and the Bookish is the Top Ten books you aren’t sure you want to read. If you’re the skimming type, I have put my major reason in the title – but I promise I validate my thoughts if you’re the deep reader type.

  1. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver – It just feels awkward when I hold it

Nothing puts me off like a plain hardcover that has a bitchy plastic sleeve that always falls off. In the brief few moments of picking it up and putting it onto my bookshelf it felt awkward in my hand.tangled  I’ve had it since 2013 and I can’t remember why I got it, or where I got it.  I have a terrible memory. Not only that, but I have literally never had anyone recommend it to me, or read a single review or mention of it.

  1. Adam Bede by George Eliot (Pen Name) – I’m not a romance kinda gal

For my twelfth birthday I got a set of six romance classics from my grandparents. The first one I read was Little Women. I loved it so much that I have read it once a year since then. Due to the unusually high expectations set by Louisa May Alcott; Jane Eyre, Emma, Pride and Prejudice, and Wuthering Heights, all fell a little short. Finally after I struggled my way through Emma, AKA the bitchiest girl in all the land I couldn’t bear the thought of starting the last one. And now… I have never heard anyone mention it. It’s a sign.

  1. If I stay by Gayle Forman – Will make my face all cry-y

I usually attempt to read a book before it comes out in the cinemas, primarily so I can (in my head) lord it over the rest of the uneducated audience. Or so I have a reason to see the movie at all. But I read ‘The Fault in our Stars’ for this reason and the thought of crying that much again – in public, stopped me from seeing the movie. Is this book really worth my tears! I don’t know if I can go through the heartache (that I know this book will have) again.

  1. The Dark Artifices by Cassandra Clare – Maybe shoulda stopped by now

So far, this lady has three series out all surrounding the one world. I have read and loved: the Infernal Devices and the Mortal Instruments. But I haven’t been bothered with the Bane Chronicals, and the thought of another Shadowhunter joining the already packed space for Shadowhunters in my heart is a bit daunting. I think I’ll wait for the other reviewers (Becky) to get me re-hyped.tumblr_n95wmqWmoZ1tega6oo1_500

  1. Clockwork Orange – The movie made me feel ill

I can only imagine the effect of a book is a million times that.

  1. Percy Jackson – The entire shitting series

These books came into my life by way of a little sister. I think I may have missed the age train on the first one. By a long shot. I tried to read it and just felt everything was terrible. It may have just been the first book that was a little immature. But I really didn’t want to commit to reading the rest of the first one if I have what looks like 77 other books in the series.  What if the rest are just as bad?

  1. Lolita by Vladimir Vladimirovich – What’s with all the assonance

tumblr_inline_mtjze0L3iJ1rgo5sbHonestly no other author has sounded so much like a supervillain in the history of the world.  You might think I wouldn’t want to read Lolita because of the whole sexualising of a child stuff. But it isn’t that. I just don’t know if the plot is going to interest me enough. It seems like one big road trip, and it sounds like a gothic on top of that. They have a habit of being dull. Creepy. But dull.

  1. The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje – I don’t want to be let down

I’ve heard some pretty serious raves about this book all throughout my literary degree. I read a chapter in class once – I forget what I was meant to be learning from it. The writing was beautiful and sincere. It almost reminded me of Atonement, like a period piece but written with honey instead of ink. But what if it was just that one chapter that was good? I’ve been fooled before. I loved the first chapter of Wuthering Heights, but not a minute more.

  1. Elanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell – Is she a Powerpuff girl?tumblr_mqgeai2tOb1scu3llo1_400

If Vlad Vlad is a super villain, Rainbow Rowell is Powerpuff girl. I feel like everything she will write will be in that theme of sugar and spice and all things nice. I don’t so much mind cutesy books. But I don’t particularly enjoy them either. People say don’t judge a book by its cover – I’ve judged you on your name alone.

  1. The Vampire Academy – Its just so….

HA totally kidding, had you fooled.

Feel free to give me a reason to read, or not to read any of the books. I would really like to make the executive decision one way or another. I really dislike having books on my shelf that I haven’t read. Though most of these are not on my shelf at all. Don’t forget to link up your lists!