Every year I begin a ‘goals’ list. It’s exactly like New Year’s Resolutions, but without the societal criticism. The usual contenders are, get fit, stop eating magnums for dinner, make new friends, save money, get a better job, wash your sheets every two weeks. Whatever. Then we get to the end of the year and fuck, I haven’t achieved any of that. Better wash my sheets and do 50 push ups before the clock strikes 12 and I turn into a pumpkin for not accomplishing anything. So instead of resolving to do more washing – I’m reflecting on what I did wrong/right this year – and just not do/continue it next year. Genius.
- If you are a blonde – don’t dye your hair blue.
My hairdresser sometimes puts colours in my hair – if he is having a flat day. Maybe all he has had are trims and roots and he just wants to spice it up. I always let him because they are wash outs, and I feel all punk rock for a week. But blue, oh innocent blue betrayed me. I have had blue hair for about 6 months because it found living with me was just too enjoyable to part ways after a week, like every other colour. Damn it blue. Damn it Greg.
There is a side note here: don’t think that you should start a band just because your hair is blue.
Don’t leave your door/windows open when a hail storm is coming.
Now you think that this would be common sense. But no. This one actually wasn’t me, but my delightful sister – who were pre-drinking for a Katy Perry concert and forgot to shut the door. Usually I don’t mind. We live on the 4th floor, and if you can be bothered to climb up 4 floors of flat wall, you honestly deserve the meagre possessions we have. Brisbane experienced its worst hail storm in 50 years, and my lounge room experienced rain. Which is an outside element – and the two should never have met. Damn it Katy Perry. Damn it Shani.
Stop brushing your teeth so hard.
It doesn’t make them any cleaner! And it will catch up on your gums if by chance you decide to put poison on them and they hurt for a week whenever you eat, drink cold water, or breathe too heavily.
Start a Blog.
If you like to write, or even if you don’t like to write, but pottery is getting to be an expensive hobby and it ruins your nails. It is an excellent way to rave and rage and receive compliments from strangers that have nothing to do with your blue hair. Also there is always that slight hope that a publisher will come across it and say – What gold this is! I must have this blogger publish all of her thoughts into a book. Here is one million dollars.
Don’t be unhappy because it’s an inconvenience to change
I only really started applying it this year. I quit a job that made me want to cry every time I went there. I started seeing someone new. I stopped having so much dairy. I built an Ikea couch to replace my old Ikea couch. All of this was an effort. Like a big, large, massive effort. It’s scary sometimes, and you think people are going to judge you. “The other couch was fine! Sure it had unexplainable stains and was broken in the middle, but was comfortable.” But now they look at my couch and say: “new couch?” And that’s all they actually say, but I just know they are thinking: ‘damn. She made the right choice. She is much happier on this couch.
Let me clear on this part: sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Don’t go reading into my couch metaphor.
Anyway, Merry Christmas readers. I hope you all grew and learned from your 2014 and we can all positively contribute to the average intelligence of the human race. Go us.