A Modern Day Horror Story

I can’t decide if the ghost in my apartment is trying to look after me or trying to kill me.  Has anyone else had this issue? Gary (the ghost duh) moves things around my apartment that fast become trip hazards. But then he closes my door at night if I’ve forgotten to and can hear the drier tumbling loose change and buttons. (I have the cleanest money in all the land, I swear. You could give the change in my pocket to babies to suck on, that’s how clean it is. Best not to do that though). I write this as the blinds in my living room are slowly coming down. Gravity? Or Gary trying to comm scarekeep out the light? I figure this is the safest time to write about him, he’s preoccupied with the blinds. Also I figure if it turns out he isn’t a benign sortof ghost and does one day pitch me off the balcony, the internet will know what happened to me. But it’s stopped moving now so it’s time to change the subject. Gary the ghost is not even the scariest thing to happen to me today. This next tale of mine is everyone’s worst nightmare. If you are easily scared stop reading now. My little sister is ill at the moment. She and I live together, we breathe the same air, drink from the same cups, and have the same tea preference. She could give me this illness as easily as giving me a pat on the back.  Anyway today she’s been in a Kardashian mood. In one scene her second family (the Kardashians) were eating cake. This started a god-like hankering for a cupcake. Coles was open late tonight and after much bullying and butchering, she convinced me to go get her one. I walked into the shops in a right state – make-up-less, and looking like I’d been drinking tequila all night (I had). I made a beeline for the muffins. Then I hear my name. Had Gary followed me? Were we on a first name basis? No, no. It was much worse. tumblr_n7cjtcXk5v1s1vz2ko1_500It was my personal trainer. I almost jumped through the roof, or at least jumped so far back I landed in the (much healthier) brushed potato section.  As you can imagine, My PT spends his entire grocery shop in the fruit and veggie section. Which happens to also be the fresh cupcake section. I was trapped in Coles for the foreseeable future. It was the first time I have had any experience in surveillance. I stalked that man around Coles. Pretending I was there for hair ties and bananas and green tea.  There was this one moment he went missing. Turns out I’m terrible at this surveillance business. Unless of course you are from the CIA and I just had a job interview with you and your doing a background check – I am excellent. Anyway I stepped out in the muffin section and he came out of nowhere, extra sneaky from not having done legs this week (probably). I abruptly changed directions and headed for the green beans like I had a stir fry to cook immediately. My second attempt was much better. I snuck around to the cold foods. The door was open to thetumblr_mkvdq2Touk1s3oe2qo1_500 bakery that separated the two sections. I could just see the top of his head as he talked to the check-out lad – probably convincing him to curl all the tinned food as he swiped the bar codes. I looked away to update Shani (devil-Kardashian-watching-cupcake-wanting-sister) via text. I looked up and my heart stopped. He was gone. Where did he go?? Did he leave? Was he hiding in the chemist to jump out at me as I left with the muffins? Was he hiding in the BWS (Beer, Wine, and Spirits) trying to find an alcohol-less, carb-less, sugar-less wine to celebrate being the heathiest person in the world? I made it out. He didn’t see the cupcakes. Damn my sister. Damn the Kardashian. I didn’t even want a cupcake, but I was so stressed I had to eat one just to calm the fuck down. Reader, I cannot go through this again. I came out the other side a changed person. The sun is darker. There is less joy. The air isn’t quite as sweet. Thankfully cupcakes taste exactly the same…

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