What not to do in case of a Plague

Guys. Guys. Guys. The Bubonic Plague is back. Tangent for small spiel of possible Hollywood Movie titles:

• Return of the Black Death.
• Great Pestilence Strikes Again
• Plague II.
• Planet of the Rats.
• China fucks us all.

That last one may start a war – so make sure it doesn’t leave the drawing board.

Now back to reality (oh there goes gravity). A rather large town in China, 30,000 strong has been quarantined after a man has died of bubonic plague (Just me or did I sound like I belong in Game of Thrones with my ‘30,000 strong’?). My well informed brain (thanks wiki) tells me that .3333 – recurring, of us will die within four days of catching such a disease. Oh there’s another title: ‘four days’.  Yumen (the Chinese town) has about a month’s supply of food left. This has been included in just about every news article I’ve read today. It seems sort of practical to send a fellow in, in a biohazard suit, with some rice and Mc nuggets don’t you think?

On the plus side, if half the world’s population die, our minimum wage might increase.

Let’s reflect on the old plague to see what not to do during this one.

Scary Masked Doctors

As if it isn’t scary enough that you’re going to die within 2-5 days, you have to get a visit from this villain who tells you, you are going to die within 2-5 days. I think I’d rather die thanks. Historical fact: these fools thought if they smelled the plague they would get it, so they wore these dead-body-eating-vulture-beaks (actual name, probably) to put some straw and scented materials in it. My guess is, they didn’t save a single person.

Questionable Treatments

Not only are you dying of a flea bite, we are going to drain you of all your blood, like the wasteful vampires we look like. I wonder how many people dies from blood loss and it was just blamed on the plague? Before it was realised that the pestilence was to blame, some doctors recommended “fresh air”. Sounds just like my mother actually. “You have a headache Amy? Go play outside.” “I can’t Mother, there’s too much air out there, I’m training to breath practically nothing for when I climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.” I came close to climbing a mountain once when I accidentally took the wrong way home and had to walk up a steep incline. Never again. ENOUGH TANGENTS!

So this fresh air thing actually did the trick for some people, not because of the fresh air mother, but because they got out of their flea and rat infested homes. If you happen to get the plague you will probably not die if you go to the doctors within the first 24 hours. A round of antibiotics ought to work.

Blame it on the Boogie

Demon, I meant demon. (It’s a life-is-a-musical day soz). In the first plague outbreak they went ahead and blamed Justinian. He was an average merchant who may have accidentally transported this plague and caused widespread devastation and death. But no he is a demon who did it on purpose/was be punished for his sins.

Give it to the Convicts

By that I mean dear Australia. I was wrong with my ‘Plague II’ Hollywood Movie title up there, as there have actually been four outbreaks in our written history. Nope. Australia has had 12 major outbreaks. By god. We are an island with killer Quarantine laws. It should be easy… Besides I will definitely die. I’ve been mown down by your average street cold three times this year.

In the meantime. Maybe send a pest guy to Yumen. Maybe a round of antibiotics for all.  Give them a month and we are sweet.  Just don’t go on a buying spree on the eBay. Their whole situation sounds like it would make for an excellent dystopian novel…brain click…shot gun. YOU HERE ME, EVERY WRITER IN THE WORLD! I, Amy Wallin, called shotgun. I bet someone has been there though… But, have they done it with vampires?

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