There is something I struggle with on a daily basis that I think could possibly be ruining my life. I’m not a millionaire. It’s weird, I’ve never been one, but I feel deep in my heart that I possibly should be. Fate has fucked up somewhere… Also the whole, unemployment, spending all my money on white bread and books fiasco.
But everything needs buying right now. Some things you can’t just make do. I can eat rice with one of a million kinds of sauces I have in my cupboard: tonight’s surprise menu – rice with creamed corn (we’ve all bought that one accidentally). Kidding ew. I’d rather starve. Dinner will be tea soup. This is essentially a cup of tea, but in a bowl (Still kidding). But some things just cannot be made do with back-of-the-pantry sauces. You can’t wash your dishes with a bar of soap. There is no substitute for toothpaste. You can’t drink red wine vinegar hoping you will get some sort of drunk. It will just turn your bones to jelly. I mean maybe. That’s what happened with my year five science experiment.
Pause for pop-up’s – shut up computer! I know my virus protection is about to expire – can’t you see I’m poor! If there are any hackers reading my blog – kidding! I have three different virus protection systems, the government uses the same ones to protect their sex scandals. I mean the Australian ones. America just don’t use protection at all. You know…
Virus protection is like a needy relationship. You both know it’s going to end soon and you keep trying to fight it. You could pay for more time but you know it’s going in circles, the same problems will just come up again. Maybe it’s just not working anymore. Maybe you need to branch out and try something new. I suggest Norton.
If I were a millionaire I would have you already Norton, but you’re a gold digging whore and you will only sell yourself to rich people. I can’t wait for the day when I have that money that I don’t spend on physiological needs (see Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – thanks for that university). Oh wow I didn’t know sex was a physiological need. They definitely cut that one out of the text book. Don’t say I never teach you anything reader.
When I move beyond basic human rights – into the high brand toothpaste spectrum, I will be slightly more content. I will brush my teeth with what is practically bicarbonate of soda in a small tube. I will lavish in my safe browsing capabilities. I will eat rice with meat and vegetables and a sauce intended for rice and vegetables. I will use softener in my laundry loads.
But the whole millionaire thing – that’s right around the corner. One of those corners that have a 1 degree turning point for every 100 meters. And I have to get to a road that is parallel (360 degrees) to the road I am on. More of a ramped circle if you will. So that’s only 36,000 mind meters that I have to cross before becoming a millionaire. I’ve always considered myself more of a sprinter than a long distance runner…
Luckily as of now, I feed off the internet attention supplied by my blog. Thanks guys.