Expect a few relapses today, J.K. Rowling is dealing again

Today, Potterheads received the news (I got mine by way of owl) that J.K. Rowling had written a new story on Dumbledore’s Army. Cue small shriek followed by large panic attack. There was a damn owl in my room. If I were any smaller it may have carried me off in my claws to feed the rest of the Owlery. ‘Dumbledore’s Army Reunites at Quidditch World Cup Final’  from the perspective of the hilarious columnist Rita Skeeter, we get a glimpse of our 34 year old heroes, as they attend the Quidditch World Cup.

It wasn’t that long ago when Harry Potter, aka My Life, came to an abrupt end. I was left weak and shaking like some crack whore without her fix. I threw my shoes at someone who wore round glasses ironically. I tried to put a hex on my neighbour for cooking fish all the time. (Fun fact, the hex worked, he is now a mermaid and still cooks fish). But the always wily, J.K. Rowling immortalises the advice: ‘keep them wanting more.’ So off the band wagon I leapt, sold my soul to Pottermore for another taste of Harry Potter.

Despite the utopian end to the Deathly Hallows, Rita Skeeter has evolved the darkness to a whole new level. Thank god the Harry Potter fandom has grown up or we may have received a rude shock. Though I must say, I don’t remember finding Rita Skeeter so darkly humorous.  Fucking sassy for a 60 year old.

As Skeeter tells, Harry Potter’s arrival at the Quidditch World Cup triggered a stampede of magical fans. Rita Skeeter presents some colourful imagery of trampled tents and “small children mown down.” Obviously untrue, so I didn’t feel so bad for laughing.  Skeeter gives us glimpses into the family life of the Potters, suggesting that a fresh cut on Harry’s face is the result of domestic abuse at the hands of his wife. Red heads right?   Ginny, now a reporter for the Daily Prophet, is there on business. It becomes evident that Ginny might be in direct competition with Skeeter in the following dig: “The jury is out on whether she really had the talent of experience to be sent to the Quidditch World Cup (Jury’s back in – no!!!)”. Fucking sassy for a 60 year old! She goes on to describe Harry’s glasses “that some might say are better suited to a style-deficient twelve-year-old.” Yeah she went there. Someone needed to.

 

Other highlights include:

  • Implications of Harry’s sexuality given his close relationship and sexual endeavours with Krum in the maze during the Triwizard Tournament
  • Neville and wife Hannah Abbott’s drinking problem
  • Luna giving birth to twin psychopaths
  • Ron’s hair thinning

 

But perhaps the most thrilling part of the article was a promised biography coming out on July the 31st (International Harry Potter Day): ‘Dumbledore’s Army: The Dark Side of the Demob’. The nostalgia I’ve been living with today has been choking me. Each time I read a little something extra to the series, I get a bittersweet feeling, as though I’m reading the memoirs of a family member who died. I sort of want to advise J.K. to let the whole thing go so I can go on with my grieving process. I feel like I should be getting too old for this. But then again, I did just make fairy bread for dinner.

The truth is, when you’re the god of Harry Potter land, if you raised a generation, and changed the course of history, you can do anything. If it were me? I’d want to be on a pound note, and to get knighted. It’s the little things you know?

 

 

Image source: themetapic.com

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