The one time I wrote a sex scene



(Rose and Leo and the reason I should have sex in a car. With Leo.)

Every time I make the executive decision to become a writer. AKA, start writing a single chapter of a real life novel. I flash forward to the moment I give my parents a copy and watch everything they think they know about life crumble around their ears.  Every swear word, every mother figure, every dark moment will be under scrutiny. I know this because I do the same thing to my writer friends when I read their work. Do you understand what I’m saying reader? I’ll be writing a 50-shades-with-better-sentence-structure scene and my parents. Mother. Father. Will. Read. It.

They will be all, “how does she know that’s a thing! My daughter doesn’t have sex.”

My mother: “How did she become so obsessed with the macabre? Did we accidentally kill someone in front of her?”

My grandmother: “there seems to be a lot of drug use.”

My father: “Who is he!”

I can think of nothing worse than any single person I know, reading about some emotionally dead, giving head, coked-nose character doing things that I may or may not have done. I imagine actors go through this sort of stuff as well. Except they have to have make-believe sex and they just know that their parents will watch it. And they have to make the noises and stuff. I’m going to hyperventilate soon.

What I’d really like to know is how writers and actors get through it. Before you start with the: “you have to stop caring what people think of you” advice, just no. If I didn’t care what people thought of me, I would only wear pants if it was cold, I would never wear make-up, and on frequent occasion would kick three kinds of shit out of my fellows.  Society has suppressed me for the benefit of everyone.

The only solution I can think of is to write sex scenes so metaphoric and vague that 90% of readers won’t know what is actually happening. Maybe in fifty years, a tenth grade teacher will decide that an ear piercing scene was actually a deflowering and yes I stole that right out of Girl With A Pearl Earring. Sorry if I ruined that for you.

2 thoughts on “The one time I wrote a sex scene

  1. lazysecretive

    I think I need to stop myself from favoriting everything you write. But it’s just that you have this really great writing voice. Ok, then, I’m a fan. Hehe



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